Early Morning Thoughts

It's 5:00 AM.  I am still exhausted but cannot sleep.  Two reasons for that:

Number one, it's windy outside and hot in the house.  Opening the windows feels great, but I feel so dried out.  I badly needed a drink.

Number two, my baby is kicking furiously and hiccuping...

So, of course, I'm just sitting here thinking.

It doesn't help that yesterday was a very odd day.  Dealt with some real issues inside my head and I've come to the understanding once again that I am in this alone.

But we all are alone in this.  As much as we are able to lean on God in times of unhappiness, this is what we were sent here for, and sometimes it can feel dark and frustrating.  Like a light you want to turn on, but cannot find the light switch anywhere.

Mostly, life would be much easier without the crazy people in it.

Don't get me wrong with that comment.  I'm a very happy person.  I love life, I love the beauty of it, and I love it that we have the opportunity to discover ourselves and grow.  At the same time, you can't help but wonder "why?"

I love it that I have friends who are so supportive and real and there for me.  They are honest with me, and sometimes can be harsh, but I very much appreciate it because I know they truly care.  They are the ones I picture myself sitting on a porch drinking lemonade with when I'm 70 years old.  No matter how many months or years go by, they'll always be there for me.  I love them so much for that!

We all go through crap in life.  It's not easy.  We are all very different and have different challenges, but there's no need for judgment.  Pretending life is perfect isn't fooling anyone.  But we all know that honesty can bug the crap out of some people. I'm happy with who I am, and I know it dissatisfies certain people in my life.  I tend to get knocked down for it quite frequently.  And sometimes I get kicked while I'm down there.  I might at times be considered to be "embarrassing," or "too honest."  I have people in my life who want me to change.  They don't want me to be me.  Why they care so much, I couldn't tell you.  I could hide my faults, flaws, and mistakes, my insecurities, (haha, there's not really that many) but nothing's going to change the fact that they exist.  Life is inevitable.  I will make mistakes.  Regardless of whether or not you choose to hide your problems, maybe for the sake of not being criticized or not being embarrassed, that's your decision.  It doesn't have to be mine.  I don't have to pretend to be perfect.  I've spent too many years "faking," and I'm not going to waste anymore years.  It makes me unhappy to be that way.

This reminds me of the movie, "Mona Lisa Smile."  So many "pretenders" exist...narcissistic players in the game of life that want to control the way you do things.  Why do they care so much?  There's so much in life to enjoy and to experience.  Negative feelings are a waste of time.  They stress you out and age you.  Stress is proven to be poison for your body.  Just let it go, let it out, be a good person, and live for yourself.  Life is short, why worry about what everyone else thinks of you?  I'm not worried about it.

That doesn't mean you need to air your dirty laundry in public.  I mean, if you want to, I'm not going to judge you for it.  If you don't want to, then that's your decision as well.  All I'm saying is that there's no need to concern yourself with what others do or to make judgments about what others do.  Live life for yourself.  As long as you are happy and being good to others, and doing your absolute best, there should be no concern with it.

I promise that the moment you start living for yourself, living honestly, and focusing on what really matters in life, is the day you will find your happiness.

Baby Name Dilemma!

Aargh, I can't make up my mind on a baby name!  It's hard to find another name that still fits the "old-fashionedness" of what I've already picked for my other three, so that they can still  have a long name and short name.  Oh, why does it have to be so complicated?

So here's what I have:

Isabel (I know it's popular) but it fits all of my criteria...It's a long version for Bella, Izzy or Belle, but the middle name doesn't quite work with it.  (Isabel -------Jade?).  Can that work?  Cause I really like something like Isabel Rochelle or something "prettier" I guess.  Not sure..

Giselle -  Also fits my criteria.  Nicknames would be Gigi, Ellie, or Ella.  Middle name, Jade?  Again having this problem.  Jade no worky.

Isabel Chaffin works better than Giselle Chaffin in my opinion, but does it really have to flow perfectly?

Then the last choice:

Mercy Jade- Love it cause it's different, but no nickname for Mercy..  But she could be called MJ.

And then there's my original pick, Scarlet, which I still love, but hate that it has no nickname.  That's what is holding me back with it.  I really don't want my daughter to be called "Scar."

Oh what to do?  What to do?

If you have any suggestions, please feel free to throw them out to me!

Attachment -

I came across some interesting information about attachment I thought I would share. I first came across this information just trying to find out what healthy attachment is. At preschool they test my kids for attachment issues. In their case, this points out how the kids react when I leave and while I am gone. Do they detach easily from me or do they cling on when I leave? Healthy attachment would be proven by the kids knowing where they are, not clinging to mom when mom leaves, and realizing that mom is going to come back. In my kids' case, no problems. They sense that stability from me, which makes me very proud. That doesn't come naturally to a child. Attachment is established at birth.

There are three different styles of attachment:

Secure attachment - When a mom is consistently available and responsive, an infant naturally creates that healthy attachment.  It's also done by consistency in routine and expectations.

Anxious/preoccupied attachment - An inconsistent or overly-protective mother will cause an infant to overly need mommy. They won't go to other people, they just need mom. They become anxious when mom leaves and they are always monitoring mom and what she's doing.

and

Dismissing attachment - When caregivers are neglectful, infants will grow to show few signs of needing their caregivers.  They do not spend a lot of time trying to get their caregiver’s attention, and they do their best to cope with problems on their own.  They are fighters and become defensive people.

As an adult, the style of attachment we develop affects how we treat our partners.

Adults with "secure" attachment are the closest to each other. They have more satisfying and longer relationships. They are comfortable depending and being depended on. They are naturally more trusting and open.

Adults with "anxious/preoccupied" attachment are constantly worried about their relationship. They are more likely to be jealous, and they never stop questioning their partner's love for them. They crave and desperately need intimacy. They rarely feel completely loved. It is easier to take advantage of this type in love and romance, which creates more anxiety.

Adults with "dismissive" attachment are uncomfortable in relationships and fear them. They do not like it when people get too close and they don't like to be depended on. Dismissing individuals tend not to trust others, and they are more self-sufficient, cynical, and independent in nature. They are less likely to fall deeply in love and need a lot less affection and intimacy. Dismissing individuals are more apt to put their time into their careers, hobbies, and activities than their relationships.

It's interesting to me how attachment style as an infant determines how we treat others as adults, and it makes a lot of sense. If moms understood that their decisions from birth determine a lot about a their baby's whole life, I think we could avoid a lot of problems.  It definitely says a lot about my relationships.

This Mother's Day marks my sixth year as a mother. It's something you can never comprehend before children are in your life. The responsibility, the stress, the worry, the happiness, the love, the tears, the joy, the Truth of what being a mother is (and a father as well), is remarkable. Sometimes I can't help but think about how easy it must be to be childless...but the guilty thought quickly leaves because I would never ever ever want a part in that world. It's hard to be a parent, and doing it by yourself can sometimes be so overwhelming you wonder how you are still alive sometimes. When I watch my babies sleep at night, I can't fathom for what reason I have been so blessed in my life. My kids bring so much unconditional happiness to me. No strings attached. They will love me forever, and that's something I can always count on. It's such a great and huge responsibility, but one I would never ever throw away. Anyone who comes into my life expecting me to put them aside, can just turn right around and go the other way. This life can be frustrating and bewildering in so many ways, and God knew what he was doing when he gave us mothers. I am thankful for my mother, who severely stresses me out sometimes, but nevertheless I love her so incredibly words cannot describe. Happy Mother's Day!

Artwork of my Sis

Staying up late>>>Playing with pictures. Time for bed -

My cousin Azzy, 20, was involved in an almost fatal car accident two weeks ago and has since been treated at University Hospital in Salt Lake. She was in a coma for four days and has come out of the coma, but is still in critical care. It could be this way for the next few months, or longer, we just aren't sure right now. We are grateful that she is still here with us and are hopeful of an amazing recovery. Her mom, Andrea, has started up a Facebook page in support of Azzy. They are accepting donations and would appreciate any support you can offer, even if it's just to "like" the page. Click the link below to find it: http://www.facebook.com/HelpAzzyComeHome. Below is a project we did together last year and had so much fun with it. It breaks my heart that she is now struggling for her life. Please support!

It took me a few hours to create this one up, but it's always been a tradition of mine to personally create each of my babes' birthday invitations and make 'em fun, so they'll eventually have a book full of invitations. It's a lot of fun to work on them, and I'm grateful for the time I have to do it. Here's our most recent and a few from past years:

So you know what's hilarious? The fact that I have let this blog go for so long now that I'm pretty sure I could never recount what has happened since I last wrote, 1.5 years ago, and how much my life has changed is incredible. I am now expecting baby number 4 in a short 5 weeks from now, and my preparation is weak to say the least. I have so much to do and so little time! I started a job at Domino's Pizza today for pizza delivery on the weekends :) What would my mom say about this? Hmmmm...I can tell you exactly: "Really? That is such a white trash job! Don't tell anyone about it. Honey, you have a Bachelors degree. Why do you have to do this? Ugh. stomp stomp stomp." Oh, you gotta love that beautiful woman. I don't need a lot of money, just a bit, and how more perfect is it to only work on the weekends so I can see my kids and care for them the rest of the week with no worries about leaving them for a day job? And with the added bonus of pizza for dinner regularly, I think I've got it made! :) Well, not really, but it will do for now. One day at a time! May I take your order? :)

Penelope Ivette Maloney

My gorgeous daughter :

November 2010

So this month has been quite an odd one. I have been unorganized in my priorities and trying to keep up with the day to day stuff has been quite challenging. We had court earlier this month, and the hearing was postponed until Dec. 1 (pretrial) and Dec. 15 for trial. Unfortunately, I have had to make some decisions that I had wanted to avoid, but all in all, it's been a good thing to weigh the options. Mike has had the kids every weekend this month; and I have had a lot of transcription work to do, but I still can't seem to catch up on the weekends! But I am certainly grateful that I do have work at all, especially from home! I am registered for school - 15 credits next semester. But it's Bachelors coursework finally, so I think I will enjoy it a lot more. I am working on a variety of businesses, as always. I will post about those a little later.

We had a cute little surprise party for my momma last night and she was really shocked! It was hard keeping it a secret because she is so hard-headed. My dad went out of his comfort zone to take her to Macy's to shop while all the guests arrived, even though she was restless to come home. I'm sure she thought it was odd that my dad wanted to shop? She also tried to convince him to take her to Cafe Rio that night...and he got in trouble because he said no. Geez...Mom...will you just let us surprise you?? :) Well, happy 49, Mom! You certainly don't look or act your age! Pictures below:

OCTOBER 2010

Pretty much...I really suck at blogging! I actually forgot I had a blog for like two months almost until yesterday. This weeks is my commitment renewal week...I've been a huge slacker for the past two weeks, but not because I'm lazy...just really busy!

So what has happened since late September? Well, October was a great month! We spent all month having fun watching scary movies, picking our costumes, going to Halloween parties and the zoo, and then finally trick or treating on Halloween night! I've included some pictures below:

Took some pictures of Brackyn before snow hit! I'm wishing it was still this beautiful outside!

My best babies! They were so proud of their costumes this year! But, please remind me, pink next year for Penny. It took awhile to convince her that princesses could wear black too :).

Made some caramel apples with the fam one nice October evening at home. Enhanced this one for Vaness.

I also took pictures at The Shilo Inn here in Idaho Falls. Business wasn't amazing, but it was fun nonetheless!! Some of them were a little on the scandalous side, so I didn't include those here. ;)

Photography Website

I know, I know...I always have a million things going at once. Here's the link to my photography website. I can honestly say I love doing photography! Let me know if you want me to take your pics! http://www.julphotography.com or http://www.wix.com/lvjuls/photographybyjul

Latest Photography Work

I've had a lot of fun photographing some friends and family. Here's some of my work:

State Fair!

I didn't have the kids on the day we went to the fair. But I had fun with the rest of my family!

Picture Happy!

I've gone just a bit picture-happy this summer. My kids are pros at posing by now. Not sure if that's a good thing or bad thing...

It's been a quite active summer! The kids passed out from exhaustion almost every night. Now we are in school mode (between Penny, Max, and me) and keeping busy everyday. It's been hard to get in a good routine since we live in Shelley and driving back and forth is too gas-consuming. I think we are figuring this out little by little. It's hard doing it by myself for sure. One extra adult makes quite a difference! I sure love my kids, and all of the effort is very much worth it!!

Oh man!!

I'm sorry everyone! It's been a heck of a long time since I have posted. Life has been soooo busy. Trying to get a routine down has been quite challenging. Here's what we've been up to:

Pics of our new place in Shelley: