Early Morning Thoughts

It's 5:00 AM.  I am still exhausted but cannot sleep.  Two reasons for that:

Number one, it's windy outside and hot in the house.  Opening the windows feels great, but I feel so dried out.  I badly needed a drink.

Number two, my baby is kicking furiously and hiccuping...

So, of course, I'm just sitting here thinking.

It doesn't help that yesterday was a very odd day.  Dealt with some real issues inside my head and I've come to the understanding once again that I am in this alone.

But we all are alone in this.  As much as we are able to lean on God in times of unhappiness, this is what we were sent here for, and sometimes it can feel dark and frustrating.  Like a light you want to turn on, but cannot find the light switch anywhere.

Mostly, life would be much easier without the crazy people in it.

Don't get me wrong with that comment.  I'm a very happy person.  I love life, I love the beauty of it, and I love it that we have the opportunity to discover ourselves and grow.  At the same time, you can't help but wonder "why?"

I love it that I have friends who are so supportive and real and there for me.  They are honest with me, and sometimes can be harsh, but I very much appreciate it because I know they truly care.  They are the ones I picture myself sitting on a porch drinking lemonade with when I'm 70 years old.  No matter how many months or years go by, they'll always be there for me.  I love them so much for that!

We all go through crap in life.  It's not easy.  We are all very different and have different challenges, but there's no need for judgment.  Pretending life is perfect isn't fooling anyone.  But we all know that honesty can bug the crap out of some people. I'm happy with who I am, and I know it dissatisfies certain people in my life.  I tend to get knocked down for it quite frequently.  And sometimes I get kicked while I'm down there.  I might at times be considered to be "embarrassing," or "too honest."  I have people in my life who want me to change.  They don't want me to be me.  Why they care so much, I couldn't tell you.  I could hide my faults, flaws, and mistakes, my insecurities, (haha, there's not really that many) but nothing's going to change the fact that they exist.  Life is inevitable.  I will make mistakes.  Regardless of whether or not you choose to hide your problems, maybe for the sake of not being criticized or not being embarrassed, that's your decision.  It doesn't have to be mine.  I don't have to pretend to be perfect.  I've spent too many years "faking," and I'm not going to waste anymore years.  It makes me unhappy to be that way.

This reminds me of the movie, "Mona Lisa Smile."  So many "pretenders" exist...narcissistic players in the game of life that want to control the way you do things.  Why do they care so much?  There's so much in life to enjoy and to experience.  Negative feelings are a waste of time.  They stress you out and age you.  Stress is proven to be poison for your body.  Just let it go, let it out, be a good person, and live for yourself.  Life is short, why worry about what everyone else thinks of you?  I'm not worried about it.

That doesn't mean you need to air your dirty laundry in public.  I mean, if you want to, I'm not going to judge you for it.  If you don't want to, then that's your decision as well.  All I'm saying is that there's no need to concern yourself with what others do or to make judgments about what others do.  Live life for yourself.  As long as you are happy and being good to others, and doing your absolute best, there should be no concern with it.

I promise that the moment you start living for yourself, living honestly, and focusing on what really matters in life, is the day you will find your happiness.